Staggering $250M in graft and kickbacks uncovered in investigation of fintech community event
San Francisco, CA — April 1, 2016 — Following his long stint as FIFA president, Sepp Blatter is again embroiled in scandal as part of a small promotional tournament focused on the financial technology community. After stepping down from FIFA, Blatter joined the fintech marketing firm CSTMR to assist with their inaugural “Fintech Money Madness” tournament.
Blatter announced his resignation on Friday amidst charges that he received over $250M in kickbacks and bribes. CSTMR CEO Rory Holland was taken aback by the news when confronted by reporters outside his San Francisco office.
“He stole how much money?!? How did he get $250M? The entire contest is free and the grand prize is a pizza party and bragging rights!” said Holland.
Speaking at a news conference in Palo Alto, Blatter said he would remain in his position until a special election can be held to appoint his successor.
A strained and likely drunk Blatter read a six-minute statement in French for some reason, to a small handful of journalists before exiting without taking questions.
“The validity of the tournament was never in question,” Blatter said, according to Google Translate. “Earnest, Yapstone and the other fine contenders have earned their places. However, the questions about my ability to lead effectively under this scrutiny means I must step down.”
Following the announcement, CSTMR CEO Holland again spoke with reporters. “I’m not totally sure what he’s stepping down from. He answered an ad on Upwork to help us get the bracket plug-in working in WordPress. We paid him $28 and a small anchovy pizza,” said a clearly confused Holland. “But seriously, $250M? I mean… how?”
Holland concluded, “I guess I’m just sad that it has to happen today, marring people’s enjoyment of April 1st. But we’ll push on with our mission to bring great customer acquisition programs to fintech companies.”